Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Bro-ed Out

I would like to touch on the subject matter of Bros. Urban Dictionary defines this breed of gentleman as:

"Always match their clothes. have dip in their mouth all the time. constantly talking about drinking, sports or working out. at the gym check themselves out in the mirror more than a girl. actually they check themselves out in any shiny surface. have large cross tats with a shamrock or sports team on it. protein shakes are always on them"

I would say this is a spot-on definition of the modern day bro, but I think we could all name a few more bro-like qualities that are prominent. First, their obsession with neon. As soon as spring time hits, the neon is out in full force around college campuses. Bros plain love neon and especially neon sun glasses, because "they don't care" what people think, when in reality they are checking themselves in their fellow bro's neon shades while conversing about their work-outs. The shades are great for their much anticipated pool parities, hopefully they can find a suit that brings out the neon in their glasses, but doesn't take too much attention off their chiseled, tanned bods.

They also seem to think that mom's adore them, well, they think everyone adores them - but according to the ultimate bro mom's cannot get enough of their swagger. In photos you are likely to find a bro on the side of the frame holding at least one of his arms up in the air positioned towards the camera, in an attempt to make himself the focal point. If there are too many bros at the fest, then any type of arm gesture that draws attention will do. Note the picture below

Bro's love promoting their buddy's music. While Luda is on at a social gathering a bro is likely to shout, with a beer in hand, "Dude, bro, my buddy made this rap album and he's such a sick rapper, here - check it on my iPHONE...its so sick!" Note, that the iPHONE will be the latest version of the device. Only a bro will take the liberty of switching the musical selection at his own free will at an unknown residence. Then your gathering quickly turns into amateur rap hour, with one guy in neon glasses throwing his hands in a tribute to rapping gestures, because of course he is the only one who knows the song. If they are not promoting rap, they are surely telling you how awesome Sublime is. Well duh, nobody is going to argue that Sublime is one of the greatest musical groups of our time, and therefore the bro is only going to gain followers and thus becoming more pumped on Sublime, and then come the bro shouts "ooooohhhh dude" and "sssooooooooooo sick" (both have strong emphases on the "o") and so on and so forth. They make these remarks as if they are a new found philosophy but Sublime has always been a safe favorite.

The closet of a bro consists of an array of clothing, and of course it is not complete without an Ed Hardy graphic tee. An extreme bro will display an Ed Hardy air freshener dangling from the rear-view mirror of his whip (vehicle). Back to the wardrobe. Thanks to their revival of the Deep V, American Apparel has become a hot spot for bros from all walks of life. The appeal of these shirts is they come in all colors, from basic black - rad bro purple. Note the picture above, it's a double bro bonus due to the tat on the forearm. Urban Outfitters is also a hip spot because they provide neon tennies, as well as a great selection of tees with sayings bros admire on them such as "Check out these guns," referring of course to their iron-pumping biceps. Their staples consist of designer jeans, the ultimate bro's will be a pair of be-jeweled True Religions, extra thick stitching. It is important to remember that every bro has his own sense of style that is unique to him.

Without the modern day bro there would be no beer pong, no 80s style revival, no popular TV shows, and many other things we have come to appreciate. There are many other bro qualities to list, but these are among my favorites. As Snookie states "Guido" is a lifestyle, I would like to end by saying "Bro" is a lifestyle and keep doing what you're doing, right on Bros, right on.

Monday, February 22, 2010

The Condiment Conundrum

On a road trip my family and I stopped at McDonald's, which is always a nice road side treat. I ordered my usual McNugget meal with sweet and sour sauce and noticed there was an 11 cent charge for an extra sauce. Apparently McDonald's has a rationing system of their dipping sauces, but don't worry ketchup and mayo are still free. Note that the nugget dipping sauces are the most expensive, therefore making them the most elite, where as the rest of the sauces are 10 cents, such as ranch.

The system works as follows: a 3 piece Chicken Select awards one sauce, a 5 piece Select gets 2 sauces, a 6 piece McNugget 1 sauce and a 10 piece McNugget gets 2 sauces. Now, being I do not frequent McDonald's so I am not too keen on the chicken proportions when comparing the McNugget to the Select, but I do know that one dipping sauce for the 6 piece is stretching that sauce pretty far. When I was growing up it was as many sauces as you wanted, therefore I became used to frivolously using my various sauces on my meals. Looks like McDonald's is through with the sauce connoisseurs of America.

Something interesting I noticed after my first encounter of these signs, was the placement of them. If you are to stop at a rural/urban McDonald's there is a sign, but in more refined areas the signs are not as common. It makes one curious as to if McDonald's did research and found out that certain stores were using way too many sauces and therefore implemented the sauce policy at these stores.

Is it possible McDonald's is using this extra 10-11 cents per sauce package to research a more health -friendly approach to fast food, probably not, and I somewhat hope not. In the age of diets, organic food and meatless meatballs it is somewhat nice to have a haven one could escape to find the same french fries that have always been there. I mean people do love their McNuggets, just this year on January 5 2010, a woman straight up punched a McDonald's worker for not preparing her nuggets correctly. Apparently loosing weight and anger management were not high on this woman's list of New Year's resolutions.

The sauce charge is for those of us who were selfish about our sauces, and now the world is being punished for our actions. I would like to apologize for being a contributor to this condiment conundrum.

Photo courtesy of:

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Fun Fees for All

The other day I went to enjoy a piece of cinema. I was seeing a film in 3D, which I was more than excited about because I have not been to a 3D attraction since the Honey I Shrunk the Kids exhibit in Disneyland. So not only was this a trip to the movies, but a visit to childhood.

I go to the ticket counter to purchase my ticket. Upon handing over my credit card and as the cashier was swiping my piece of plastic she tells me that there is a two dollar fee because the film I was about to enjoy is premium. I found this interesting for a number of reasons. The first being, clearly the theatre had issues with this charge because the scruncci wearing girl only had enough courage to tell me of the fee as she is swiping my card. Secondly, I wondered if there was a non-premium option for my viewing pleasure, because knowing myself I would not be able to tell the difference - I do not know I am watching a blue ray DVD until I am told so, and even then I do not appreciate the better quality, (I know I should and I apologize). After smiling and nodding as if I knew about this charge I take my glasses, that no doubt cost under 50 cents to make and go to my premium movie. I wondered if there was superior popcorn with organic butter to complete my premium movie experience.

Anyways, the film was great, and I do not know if I should attribute this to the premium quality or the fact it was just plain entertaining - a mystery I may never know. As I am strolling out of the theatre chuckling about the film, I came the next part of the premium movie experience, you give back your premium movie enhancers. When exiting the theatre there is a recycle bin for the glasses, which everyone puts their glasses in thoughtlessly. I of course took mine off, but had to ponder the fact of the entire event. I paid two dollars for the glasses, then had to give them back in fear that environmentalists would have a field day on me and was only left with a 11.00 ticket stub to commemorate my first premium movie experience. I then wondered, if you keep the glasses and go to another premium movie and inform them that you are already equipped, is the ticket normal price? I would have to think not, unless the district supervisor of the theatre is called in to override the charge, causing you to miss the first 1/2 of the film.

Many fees are appearing in various sectors, it started with fees for checking bags, and the most recent one I experienced is a tire fee for rental cars. The fee at the particular place I went to was 2.00 per tire, but there is no way you can pay 6.00 because you never use only 3 tires, I tried to joke about this with the cashier - I guess he had heard it before because he was not too amused. So really the fee is 8.00 regardless. The fee is to cover wear and tear on the tires, which makes the entire up front fee obsolete, because a major reason one rents a car is for trips in order to preserve the wear and tear on their own vehicles. Hotels have started to charge resort fees for quite some time now, and they cover things such as using the fitness facilities, the pool area...pretty much if you want to walk from your room to the lobby you are paying the fee. There is almost no way around it - I don't understand why these places don't just make these "optional" fees part of the up front cost. Wouldn't that save a lot of head aches, calls to the manger and angry letters from disgruntled customers? And what is the irony of all these fees one might ask...when economic times get better do you ever see these fees being lifted? Something along the lines of "Awesome Airlines announces no more checked bag fees!" I am not sure if I see it, but I suppose only time will tell.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Faith in Humanity Thanks to Chihuahuas

Well, after 4.5 years of solid college memories (although some a little vague), I have packed up my ASU life in a little Budget truck and ventured across the desert to my hometown of Santa Barbara. I will only be using my parent's kind hospitality until March 5th, and then I am off to NYC, making the transition from California girl - to East Coast young lady.

I have started to apply to jobs, I have not gotten one yet...weird I know, but am still hopeful. That aside I would like to talk about pets. I myself have never owned anything other than a goldfish, I have had a couple in my life and my most recent one Otis is now 2 and 1/2. Some speculate that he is a Coi due to his size, and I will say he is big boned for a 10 cent goldfish. Lets just say that flushing him down the royal throne will not be an option when his time comes, but I have a nice shoe box for the guy. Now, I would look into coffin options for Otis, or graveyards for goldfish, but oh wait that would BE INSANE. My view of what people go through for their pets may stem from the fact that I have never owned a creature that I can cuddle with...but I do think events by names such as Yappy Hour, or diamond earrings but playful pups are just a little much.

I think it is important to remember that prior to human existence animals were happy to roam the wilderness and explore all nature has to offer with unpolished paws. A popular place used to offer something called Yappy Hour, in which pups could indulge in Bark-aritas and of course purified water, both sparkling and still. The name itself encourages a bunch of little dogs to get together and yap as much as they want, which I do not understand why anyone would encourage this because most of the world spends time trying to shut these pups up. Anyways, it was my lucky fortune that I was in the place during YH from 3-7 PM (I will no longer be spelling out this event, from now on it will be referenced as YH), and to my surprise the canines not only showed up, but in their evening's best. I saw bulldogs in tuxes, chihuahua in tutus and retrievers with head pieces. On a side note I am not sure why the chihuahua has been deemed the accessory dog, but I would like to say to all chihuahuas I am very sorry for a certain famous hotel-heir socialite's actions that have made you the dress up doggie for years to come. Back to YH, I noticed the owners mingling amongst themselves, and then I also noticed the pups socializing - and then it dawned on me - YH is a courting event for man's best friend. The sparkling water and canine friendly hors d' oeuvres served as means to make the animals feel a bit more at ease, and the outfits they were sporting certainly left nothing to the imagination of the opposite sex pup.

Right when conversations and yapping were at their peaks of the evening Marilyn Monroe waltzed in, her collar complete with rhinestone fixtures and paws painted in an eye-catching pink (as if a dog's paws being painted isn't eye-catching enough). She made all the gals jealous and all the guys goo-goo, she was that girl you hate to see walk into the bar when you're with a group of guys because you know anything you say after she struts in is going in one ear and out the other. I couldn't help but strike up a conversation with the owner. We got to talking and things were going well, until she told me something that made me feel like I just heard Paul Revere shout"The Red Coats are coming." Apparently this diva took her canine version of herself to a boutique to get her ears pierced, and was so disappointed when she was told that it was unhealthy for the dog. She had bought little Marilyn something that comes in a little blue box fastened with a white bow. Yes, she had bought her dog DIAMOND earrings from Tiffany's. Last I checked diamonds were given as a token of engagement and/or to commemorate 60 years of being wed. To take the ultimate symbol of commitment and hand it to a chihuahua is just plain de-humanizing. I never thought I would live in a world filled with doggie day spas and painted paws, but the day I see a canine be-dazzeled in gem stones is the day I loose faith in humans. So I would like to say thank you boutique worker who refused this woman diamond studs for her pup, you have given me the gift of further faith in humanity.