Monday, May 9, 2011

News Flash: Chicken-less also Means Boneless

While standing in the vegan friendly freezer section at the grocery store, I noticed a new nugget on the block.  Chicken-less buffalo wings, being a fan of spice I was intrigued.  I found out a double bonus: in the right hand corner there was a large splash of yellow with bold writing exclaiming: "BONELESS!"  It might just be me, but doesn't chicken-less, made with soy already imply "boneless" - I'm pretty sure vegetarians don't request "bone in buffalo wings" at Buffalo Wild Wings.  I'd love to know a. who would go through the trouble of putting a bone in a soy nugget and b. where this faux bone would come from.

Monday, January 17, 2011

MLK to Replace HNY

It is now January, 17th and another holiday is upon us - so maybe this is will enable people to quit saying Happy New Year halfway into January.  I don't wish you a Happy Easter in May. And if it is because you just haven't talked to them until mid Jan...they're just not that into you - they didn't even call on NYD to see if you made it through the night (aka the most forced party night of the year, and my personal least fav - if you can't already tell that from this post).

Maybe since the new holiday of Martin Luther King day is here people will now come to say: "Hope you enjoyed your MLK day" for the next half month.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Memorandum: Quality TV Night is Tuesday

Me: Want to watch a movie? 
Esmerelda: Eh, well Millionaire Matchmaker is on then its Teen Mom 
Me: Oh, I wasn't aware it was quality TV night

Monday, January 10, 2011

Pigs in a Blanket

This weekend I was working a catering event, a Bat Mitzvah.  I was given a tray of kosher hot dogs in a blanket which is usually a huge crowd pleaser - and it was, for most of the party.  I was in a groove, feeling pretty good about getting down to the last 5 apps on my plate - I of course hit up the fat kid to take a few off my hands - then with only 2 left I stop by a little group in the corner that I feared was not getting their fair share of hors d'oeuvres.  Without looking up (being I was in the passing zone) I exclaimed as loud and as joyful as can be "pigs in a blanket?" On account of seeing no hands reach for my tray, and a feeling of being stabbed through the group's eyes, I looked up to find myself starring at pair of Payots under a black top hat, (yup, those curly side burns that orthodox Jewish men have), I then looked down at the 3 boys who are showing signs of their first sidecurls - while the mother remarked in her full length, full sleeve, turtle necked black dress with flat black books: "Uh God get those out of here."  Needless to say, the Orthodox Jewish guests did not care for Pigs in a Blanket.  

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Age With Grace

There comes an age in a women's life where the dress is just too short and sleeves are no longer an option.  40 is not a time to lose your dignity by wearing a dress found in the BP section of Nordstroms, you have the mom wave - the arms are freckled an it's just not appropriate anymore.  Then to pair this little number with knee/over the knee high boots without tights goes over about as well as Sarah Palin running for office, it is just one of those things that should have never happened and that we try to block from our memory (although some scars run deep) - and I don't care if Teen People named them one of the top 10 trendiest boots of the season.  And daughters do your mothers a favor by simply telling them to stop raiding their closet because Ann Taylor has plenty of classy trendy clothes that she would look fab in.

Also, when Usher or Bieber comes on at your holiday party please subside from screaming and grinding in the center of your husband and his friends, because you just can't get low like you used.

Time and a place ladies - age with grace.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Santa Con, A Completely Ridiculous NYC Bucket Lister.

Santa hats for days in Central Park
A nationwide event where you dress as the jolly father of Christmas and crawl from bar to bar in your respective city - starting at 10A going until that ol' bowl full of jelly cannot fit another spiked egg nog.  There are designated meeting spots throughout each city where the Santas (and Harry Hanukkahs) converge for an annual convention.  They then look to their leader for guidance as to what watering hole will be first on Santa's list (also the drop spot for the canned food drive - giving one the right to say they were technically part taking in a fundraiser convention on Saturday....nice).  And then "Santa's on the Move...."

Thousands of Santa's take the the streets, and if there was ever a time to "hide yo kids" (as Antoine Dodson would put it) it would be Santa Con Saturday.  I'm sure Santa believers were incredibly confounded with questions when they saw a sea of red suits.  Elves could be understandable, being we all know they make the toys and there are multiple - as we are taught through classic movies, sweatshops and word of mouth on the playground, but there is only one man that plays the role of Saint Nicholas.

Not only is the pure amount of Santas confusing but as they day wears on there were beards on the ground, (confirming any suspicions that Santa's beard was fake last year), girls who slutted the Santa suit putting themselves on the Naughty list and inevitably by the end of the night what looked like some beard on beard action.  Bringing me to my next point of this event being the most random/awkward place to participate in a stray-dog hook up - could you imagine hooking up with someone and he later had to put on his red suit and hat to do the walk of shame - or even worse you had to do it?

Confusing as it may be, as ridiculous as it may be, it may even strip children of the magical belief of is definitely a NYC bucket lister.

Santa Rides the 6

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Rock Bottom FKA The Hulk

It is fair to say the Hogan family has had its fair share of ups and downs.  From Nick driving under the influence and then looking to monetize on it to Linda showing interest in someone who could've went to high school with the Biebs.  Now, finally we have something that sums up the entire Hogan demise in less than a minute through a holiday ad for Rent-A-Center.

Here we see the Hulk as an elf which looks like a replica of the "Buddy"costume from Elf, but made for a 5 year old - RAC probably bought the child's size because they didn't have the budget to afford an adult's size.  Now, it's no secret the Hulk enjoys a tightly fitted ensemble, but usually it is sported while he is in the center of the rink while thousands show their fanship with eyes glued to the TV, rather than an ad that would put shame to even the Lohan family - who has seen more shame in recent years than most families do in a lifetime.  

Ladies and gentlemen - I present to you "Rock Bottom" - formally know as "The Hulk."  

(Picture coming soon).